Twenty Three And A Half Ways To Kill Naruto
by Dark Days
Summary: Furious with Naruto for exposing him in front of his fangirls, he writes a List full of ways to kill Naruto... But things don't go according to plan. SasuNaru NaruSasu crack.


**Twenty Three And A Half Ways To Kill Naruto**

Sasuke was pissed off. Very pissed off. In fact he was so pissed off he stalked straight into his bedroom without looking in a mirror _once._ And it was all Naruto's fault. Damn him. A thousand-year curse on his descendants! If he hadn't been as stupid as to rip off the Uchiha's shorts in front of his rabid fangirls (while laughing hysterically) then Sasuke wouldn't be ready to murder his blonde 'friend'. So really, he could take no responsibility for any future damage caused to Naruto, as he had brought it on himself.

"_Sasuke-kun, I love you!" yelled a horsy-faced girl. She began drooling disgustingly in her enthusiasm. A much prettier girl came up to her, attitude screaming, 'Oh no, you did-int.'_

"_Back off, bitch, he's mine!" _

"_Make me!" This had quickly escalated into a huge catfight between half of the Sasuke Fanclub_©, _the other half gave chase for Sasuke who was running away and frantically trying to pull up his shorts at the same time._

"_WE LOVE YOOOOOOUUUUUU!"_

Sasuke shivered in disgust at the memory. It had taken three hours, five buckets of frog-spawn and a bewildered, strategically placed dandelion to shake them off.

Have you ever known somebody to curse amazing attractiveness, strength and genius-osity? No? You clearly haven't met Uchiha Sasuke. He's a little bit insane though, so we forgive him.

He looked around his room, thankfully noticing that today a barrage of pink letters hadn't been forced through his window. He even opened his window and checked outside for any signs of the wenches. Nobody there.

With this he sat down at his desk positively fuming. No lie, wisps of smoke started coming out of his ears. Okay, that was a lie.

'Stupid fucking Naruto. Idiotic bloody moron. Foolish shitting thickie. Senseless hot kistune. Gorgeous little sexpot-'

Sasuke shook his head wildly to dispel these thoughts, not even caring that his hair was getting mussed. 'It's just the shock of being attacked by crazy adolescent girls. It has screwed with my mind a bit.'

Now, all this was well and good, but his Sharingan was spinning wildly with rage, and his fists were breaking large chunks off the table, and he didn't fancy his eyes popping out or the cost of replacing the wood…

So… He made a List. List with a capital L. An EVIL List.

**---- Ways to Kill Naruto**

That is what it was called, and aptly so. He decided to keep it simple, going for the easy ones first.

**1**. Stab him to death

**2**. Suffocate him

**3**. Shoot him

**4**. Behead him

**5**. Ram a Chidori through his chest (Completed, yet unsuccessful)

**6**. Throttle him to death

**7**. Hang him

**8**. Electrocute him

**9**. Make him bleed to death

**10**. Poison him

But things soon started getting more complicated as his… bloodlust grew.

**11**. Stuff him with ramen 'til he bursts

**12**. Dig his insides out with a spoon

**13**. Cut out his heart and shove it down his throat

**14**. Slice the sides of his mouth and yank it open so his jaw snaps

**15**. Blast his eardrums into his brain with an amplifier

**16**. Repeatedly hit him over the head with a brick

**17**. Make him swallow a wasp hive

**18**. Chop off both his legs and stick them up his rear

**19**. Spray aerosol into his windpipe

**20**. Rip his dick off, dip it in REALLY REALLY hot sauce, stick in his mouth and wrap sticky tape around it so it gags him.

**THEN**

Tie his legs together and let him hop around the room for a bit,

**THEN**

Push him over, and cheese grate his head

**THEN**

Stick the small bit of the vacuum cleaner in his belly button and suck it all up.

Sasuke laughed maniacally at the last one, and decided to carry on because it was such, "Uber-super-mega-wowee FUN!" Although he would never admit to saying this. So he continued, but he didn't realise that his Deaths were changing a bit…

**21**. Tie him to the bed and whip him to death

**22**. Cover him with whipped cream and lick it off 'til he dies from pleasure.

**23**. Fuck him into the mattress until he dies from excessive moaning

**24**. Shower him with love and affection until-

Sasuke gawped openly at the piece of paper lying innocently on his desk, before gawking at the pen in his hands. No WAY did he just write this, no way in Hell. His eyes narrowed. It must have been a Mind-Control Jutsu! Yes! Some person snuck into his heavily protected house without dying, proceeded to hide in his room without Sasuke sensing his chakra and silently cast a Mind-Control Jutsu!

Sounds likely.

'Gahh, who am I kidding? It sounds ridiculous even in my own head.'

And the handwriting was pristine cursive as usual… A Mind-Control Jutsu would make it jerky and nearly illegible. This meant…

Shit.

Unbidden, several images of his final Deaths popped into his head flashed into his head and he nearly died from blood loss. He stumbled out of his room to get a box of tissues and take a shower. A very cold shower. A shower with ice pouring out of every hole. He refused to jerk off, damnit, as while he kept his hands from descending into his pants he could pretend it never happened.

And as Sasuke slammed his door on the way, the breeze caused the List to flutter out of the open window (from when he checked for the Sasuke Fanclub©, of which I am NOT a member –shifty eyes- ) and allowed the wind to carry it right to the other end of the village, CONVENIENTLY into Naruto's letterbox.

**AMAZING.**

Naruto hearing the sound of the metal clinking against his door came to investigate, only to find the List lying harmlessly on the floor.

His eyes widened as he read the title, and continued to get bigger as he study Sasuke's words. He choked as he came to Number Twenty and nearly had a fit when he reached the 'special' Deaths.

Meanwhile, back at Sasuke's, a deranged teenager was tearing his room apart trying to find the missing List. After he systematically destroyed the previously immaculate expanse, he came to the inevitable conclusion that his pride had gone flying out of the window, literally, and was now in the gleeful/shocked hands of some unknown fool.

He cursed the fact that all his stationery had 'Uchiha Sasuke' inscribed on the bottom and his anguished cry could be heard for miles.

Twelve Hours Later (Imagine the Sponge Bob narrator) 

Sasuke had succeeded in getting a full night's sleep thanks to Mother Theresa's Sleepy-Bye-Bye Night Aid, and was now waiting anxiously on the bridge for the rest of his team. Well… I say anxiously, put to all outward appearances he could have been watching paint dry. He started whistling a tune. 'No, too obvious!' he admonished himself, stopping in the middle of Humpty Dumpty.

Sakura turned up a few minutes after, "Good morning, Sasuke-kun!" But he ignored her, much to her displeasure. She was only being polite, she had Lee now! Uchihas would never change as long as they had a drop of chakra in their blood.

Precisely two hours later, Kakashi and Naruto strutted round the corner, Naruto talking animatedly and gesticulating, Kakshi nodding his head repeatedly, before smirking. When they arrived to where Sasuke and Sakura were standing, he promptly ripped up the mission slips, much to their chagrin.

"Today we're going to be practising taijutsu," he said, his eye crinkling into a happy upside-down U. He shot a glance at Naruto and continued, "Emo, Blondie, you can spar over there, " he vaguely waved his hand to some space in the distance, "Pink-forehead, you come with me."

He dragged a scowling Sakura off, leaving a clammed-up Sasuke and a trying-to-appear-innocent Naruto.

"So… uh… W-wanna spar?" Sasuke started, voice cracking. Damn it. It didn't help when Naruto looked at him and smirked, sending his visionary impulses into overdrive. 'Calm down, calm down…'

"Sure," replied Naruto nonchalantly. It was if their roles had been reversed somewhat, and Sasuke was not enjoying it. Especially since Naruto still had that infuriating and _stimulating_ half-smile on his face.

"Come on, you're distracted!" called Blondie, a knowing look in his eye.

'Oh God, no…' thought the Emo. A second later he found himself slammed against a tree trunk and a certain List shoved in his face.

"Looking for this," Naruto hissed.

"It's not what you thi-," was the only response he could manage, as a hot mouth was slammed onto his. A tongue was pushed forcefully into his mouth, and Sasuke reacted fervently, biting back a whimper as Naruto moved back.

"I found- Number Twenty- disturbing-," he breathed out in between kisses. "And- for your information- I- would be- on top. Kyuubi accepts- nothing less-." He slammed Sasuke even harder against the wood as if to prove his point.

"We'll take- it- in turns," Sasuke breathily compromised.

" I can hardly wait," Naruto promised, a foxy grin finding its way into existence.

A/N: I don't know how many hours this has been on my mind before I finally had time to write it down. I think my description has improved with EFFORT, and I dedicate the –shifty eyes- to kuromai who loveths them .

Thanks, Catherine-chan, for helping me with my Deaths! xD


End file.
